Open Position

March 5, 2015
6:05pm

To Whom It May Concern;

This letter serves as my formal resignation from the position of Head Cook in the McKinney Household.  In the absence of a written employment contract, my resignation is effective immediately.

One of the requirements for the position of Head Cook is "to plan acceptable menus and ensure prepared meals meet quality standards." This rather general statement of duty is currently being interpreted by at least four different factions within the household, and these factions cannot agree to the definitions of  "acceptable menus" and "quality standards." I can no longer work in the chaos that ensues upon the announcement of tonight's menu. The demands and responses have become anarchical and riotous and beyond the reach of the duties I assumed to be part of this thankless position.

The "acceptable menus" is constantly debated, and it has become impossible to introduce new dishes into the monthly menu plans as one faction is obsessed with fast food chicken nuggets and pizza and throws a fit when this option is not available nightly.  The second faction cannot think of anything but chocolate and cookies, asking continuously, "What's for dessert?" The third faction has a limited vocabulary and tends to follow the loudest of the first two factions by either yelling, "pea-sah!" or "quoo-quee!" along with "Doe wan dinnah!"  The fourth faction does not help alleviate the insanity by avoiding the dinner table to silently sneak cereal or peanut butter and toast for dinner.

Furthermore, "quality standards" is not a consistently defined requirement, and absent a written definition, is subject to change on a moment's notice or toddler's whim.  The baked spaghetti that was "yummy!" two weeks ago is now "yucky!" and is no longer allowed on the dinner table by Inspector #2.   Inspector #1 will accept carrots on his plate, but the long, skinny carrots he accepted yesterday are no longer allowed because they are not short, fat ones today.  Inspector #3 demands that everything be put on his plate in large quantities for his audit, but then he announces, "Doe wan dinnah!" and refuses to eat any of it or even stay in his seat. Inspector #4 has been relieved of his auditing duties this week because he incredulously asked, "Did you drink that whole case of hard cider from Christmas already?" at a most inopportune moment.

For the aforementioned reasons, I can no longer continue in the position of Head Cook.  It is without regret that I leave tonight's dinner to burn, the countertops covered with dirty dishes, and go out to dinner by myself.  Alone.  Somewhere without a kids' menu.

Regards,
Momma