Thursday, February 26, 2015

Oh Yes, She Did

Sister is almost 6 years old now.

"Mommy, I just want to be alone.  I don't want to be looked at.  So don't look at me. Okay Mommy?"


And In This Corner.....

As the language skills progress, the constant toddler chatter is morphing into snippets of civilized communication. 

Tank, at play: "(Unintelligible chatter for 5 seconds)."
Then sweetly: "Heh-whoa Dwag-gun.  Heh-whoa Bad-may."

Oh, this sounds like it is going to be a brutal smackdown. 

Friday, February 13, 2015

Old and Slow

Big Brother is contemplating whether to sign up for a Father/Son kickball game.

Big Brother, doubtfully: "I don't know if Big Daddy likes to play kickball."

Big Daddy played on a work kickball team B.K. (Before Kids).

Me, encouragingly: "Big Daddy likes to play kickball."

Big Brother, leaning closer to whisper: "Does Big Daddy just hide his fast running from everybody?"

Snort.

Me, struggling to maintain composure: "Yes, Honey.  He is just waiting for the right opportunity to bust it out."

The Perfect Mother's Valentine's Day Box

Last night after I finished churning the artisan butter I plan to serve with the next morning's breakfast scones made from hand-ground flour and before I settled into my cozy little closet converted into a plush reading nook in one afternoon and stocked with the 100 books every Perfect Mother should read before 30, I decided to make Sister's Valentine's Day Box.  

Now I know there are so many ideas and instructions online, but I think it is my responsibility, as a new Perfect Mother, to share my plans for the Perfect Valentine's Day Box.  This is a craft that you and your little sweetheart can do to create those special memories that will last for years to come.

And look!  Only 5 easy steps!  Unless you aspire to Fancy, then there are 6.

1) Dig a box out of the recycling bin. 
Is that dried yogurt? No smell. We're good. Yes, I heard you. You want a Frozen box.

2) Cover it with wrapping paper. 
It's not ONLY Christmas paper. It's Valentine's Day paper, too.  It's red, like Valentine's Day hearts.  The snowflakes? Valentine's Day is in the winter.  Valentine's Day paper. Frozen?  I don't have any blue paper.

3) Use obscene amounts of tape to repair the rips in this $1 roll paper. 
I know it's not Frozen, but you can pretend the extra tape is ice.

4) Decide AFTER it is wrapped that you need a hole in the top.  
I know it's crooked, but lots of things are crooked, even in Arendelle.

5) Let child write their name on the box with half dried-out marker. 
No, write YOUR name.  YOUR name is not Elsa.

Bonus Step for you 'Fancy' Perfect Mothers:
6) Peel Valentine's sticker from the doctor's office off of child's coat and slap it on the box.  
Oh look!  The fuzz on the sticker from your coat looks like the fur from Ana's cloak.

There you go, Perfect Mother! Try not to look too smug at the classroom party.

Thursday, February 12, 2015

The Perfect Mother

I just wanted to share my Mom success today.  I have reached a new level of "Perfect Mother", and I hope you won't be too pea green with envy.

Today, I drove the kids to school while still wearing my pajamas.  Not the plaid flannel pants that are 20 years old and sometimes pajamas and sometimes not, depending on whether I am also wearing proper foundation garments.  These are real, baby blue p.j.s, right off the clearance rack. Oh, and I complimented my ensemble with my favorite holy, or is it 'holey', slippers.  Hey!  See the embroidered monogram?  These were magnificent in their heyday!

And the spectacularness, I don't care if you don't think that it a real word, I'm on a roll today, doesn't stop there.  Sister mentioned, on the way to school, that they have a field trip today.  You remember field trips, don't you?  Where Perfect Mothers remember to return permission slips before the kids are getting on the bus, and everybody has a sack lunch because you won't be going to the cafeteria that day........

I wonder what they do with the little Kindergarten kids who don't have permission slips and sack lunches? Oh, I can't be bothered with those details right now. I've got spectacularness to get back to.

Anyway, I hope you will understand if I stand a little taller, stick my chest out a little further, not be able to suck in my post-baby belly at all, and wrinkle my nose at your very stylish, very chic, very NOW tall boots with detachable spats. Why again, do you need detachable spats in the suburbs? No judgment.  Just curious. I would wear them, too, if I could fit my wide calves into them. 

Hopefully someday, you will reach Perfect Mother status, then you can wrinkle your nose with me.

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Sister Ponders the Mysteries of the Universe

Cruising across town, on a cold February evening, listening to the radio.

Sister: "Why did everyone stop playing "The Grinch?"

Me: "Well, that's a Christmas song, so they don't play it after Christmas."

Sister: "But they played it BEFORE Christmas."


Tuesday, February 10, 2015

That will get me grounded if my mother finds out

Big Brother yells from the other room: "Ooooooowwwwwww!  What the....?"

Me, in my head: "What the....?  Where the hell did he pick THAT up?"

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Inappropriate Language

Grocery shopping with Sister riding in the cart, drawing on a scrap of paper with a pen.

Sister, not looking up from her drawing: "What does 'screwed' mean?"

Dang!  Where did she hear that?  Who is the potty mouth in this store?  I may be a bit prudish, but there is just some language I don't want my 5 year old to use!

Me, trying to address this tactfully: "Well, it means that you are in trouble."

pondering, pondering, pondering.........

Me, unable to stand the suspense: "Where did you hear that word?"

Sister, holding up her pen: "You said this pen didn't work because it was unscrewed."

I wonder if she will yell "This marker is screwed!" in Kindergarten tomorrow, or the next day.